Category Archives: Writing

godlight

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Last night I opened the godlight file on my Nook, meaning to reccommence my re-read/review and refresh my memory sufficiently to finish a long ago synopsis and actually submit the thing.  And I discovered the entire second scene is missing.  Gone.  Vanished.

WTF?

I heartily wish I had never tampered with the beginning at all.  And who knows what else I may have screwed up while messing around with it in my fog?  I also wish I did not have so many versions.  I would like to bag all the old versions up and throw them in an e-bonfire of some kind, because there are just too many to sort through.

I really wanted to be done revising this manuscript unless or until a professional agent or editor tells me what to change, but alas. For now I think my current writing project will be an actual revision, which is to say, I have to fix what I ruined during my last revision.

Anxiety, boo.

I need pizza.

creative focus

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I need to narrow my creative focus. I’m too all over the place. It’s overwhelming.

I started with writing. I’m good at it, but it’s hard for me. I have a pretty decent manuscript finished, and ideas for a couple more, one started. I have a re-write project I could sign on for.

When I went back to school in 2011, it was because Mr Moth suggested it. It was because I realized, with my stalker dead and my youngest starting college and my husband employed, I could go back and finally get the degree I allowed myself to become derailed from in 1985. I chose Graphic Design as a major for three reasons. (1) No math requirement. (2) Photoshop, yo! And (3) I thought I could use the skills to maybe design my own covers and make my own ebooks, on the chance I may someday decide to self publish.

Halfway through the first year of Graphic Design, the school developed a brand new curriculum called New Media, which is audio, visual, social media, web design and development–basically everything you need for digital marketing. Like Graphic Design, it’s a business degree. I really wanted to jump ship, but by that point I was also invested in setting an example for my youngest, in not giving up. So I stayed the course, got my degree in Graphic Design, and then signed up for New Media. They even wrote a special curriculum guide to cover the second degree, allowing credit for things I had already taken, even if they weren’t quite exactly the same courses required in the second major.

I did have to take Business Math though…

Anyway, I now know how to do so many different creative things. Also, I know there are things I don’t know how to do, but now that I know they exist, I would like to learn them. Digital painting, for example. I am learning to shoot and edit videos, although photography has always been something I enjoyed, and I think I still prefer it.

However.

I miss writing. I miss it veddy much badly. And while lack of time is very much a factor,  I feel like the creative demands of the programs I’ve chosen sap my creativity to the point there’s nothing left for storyteling. But when I am done, if I were to take a creative-type job, I’m guessing there would still be very little to nothing left.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m never going to crochet again. But I still want to take photographs. And I want to make graphics. And draw.

I also need time to refill my tank. (And there is another post coming very soon, I think, just on this topic alone.) Reading, sitting on the deck, dog things, family things, browsing the second-hand stores. Vacuuming! I like for the house to be clean so I can take pictures without worrying about the sty in the background. I also like knowing where things are; it saves time. I want to spend time with my family, including my husband, which I almost never get to do anymore.

So, in summary, there are many things I need to do, and many things I want to do, and just not enough time (and lately energy) for them all.

I am going to have to narrow my focus. Decide which creative outlet I want to pursue and focus on that. I could maybe do three things, but more likely only two, and one of those is going to be writing because telling stories is what I do.

I don’t want to, though–narrow my focus. I want to do everything!

Sigh.

Narrowing focus is like choosing a shelter dog. You know you’ll love the one you pick…but what about all those others? I don’t get more dogs because I like to focus my limited resources on the ones I have, but. But. But what?

I’ll never be really good at any one thing as long as my limited resources are spread across so many potential creative fields, is but what.

Did I sigh already?

Well…SIGH.

seldom

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Seldom is the lead character’s name in Gallows Dogs.

Yesterday I re-plotted using index cards.  Well, I tried to, but there is still so much I don’t know about this story, including whether I should be writing it at all.  Now I have to wonder if maybe I should be working on a sequel to godlight?

Why do my novels start with G?

Anyway, one of the many hings I don’t know is whether my next step should be an outline or a quickdraft.  Logic would seem to indicate the outline comes next, but I kind of think the quickdraft might turn up some issues that will need to be addressed in the outline.

Writing and plotting are not circular or linear, not for me.  It’s more of a rat’s nest scenario, really.

I don’t have to decide what to do next right this second though, since I have a lot of non-writing things to do today, like finish my reading for Web Scripting class (PHP, whoo…hoo), take an online quiz, clean the kitchen, steam my week’s worth of breakfast eggs, sort my pills, start the vast quantities of laundry that have piled up again.  Funny how that keeps happening.  Kind of like dishes.  People just keep eating and getting dressed, damn their eyes.

Best to get started.  When you boil it down (or steam it), getting started is always the next step.

two little things, both good

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Yesterday T-Moth and I took the folks to the flea market.  Due to my heat & sun intolerance (medication related, and which I am going to ask the doc about because it is really bringing me down) I found a tree and camped under it, which was actually very nice.  There came a point where I saw the three of them walking at a distance, and T-Moth glanced my way so I waved.  He was standing slightly behind and to the side of my father, who as I have mentioned, is now legally blind due to cataracts.  T-Moth waved back.  And so did Pa.

Little things, right?

That’s the first good thing.  The second is, I had an idea.  A writing idea.  Not a story idea, nor a craft idea, but a method idea.  It will probably involve a new project–not that I need another project!  It definitely involves a small purchase.  But I’m half excited about this idea, because it sounds like more fun than work.

Little things.

i found a disc

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A while back I found a cd labeled in my draftsman print, 
     
          HKS
Full Backup 6-08-06

On it is a copy of an old, not quite completed novel with the working title Standing Outside the Fire (blatantly ripped off from the song by Garth Brooks).

Although I have a hard copy of the document, this file is the only digital copy in existance.  I was so excited to find it!  I had never attempted to do any further work on this MS, because first I would have to rekey it into a new file, and I’m too lazy for that.  And I was extra excited because I had just been discussing with someone a possible home for that story, if only I had it in a file.

The file’s corrupt.  I’ve tried all the obvious things, and quite a few less obvious ones, but no dice.

But not every file on that disc is corrupt, and after I got over my initial crushing disappointment, I spent hours last night revisiting old stories, bits and pieces, notes, chat transcripts, and photos.  The disc turned out to be a treasure after all, even if it didn’t give me exactly what I hoped, wanted, thought I needed.

I’m pretty sure there’s a lesson in there somewhere.

grapemo and the friday five – five things I found while (attempting to) clear my desk

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I signed up for author Jeannine Garsee’s Grapemo in July project on Facebook this month.  Grapemo started as a sort of “NaNoWriMo Revisited” in February on Jen’s blog.  I swore off NaNo years ago after my second attempt, because it burns me out so badly that any headway I might make in November is erased by the fact that afterwards I’d rather have my teeth drilled than do anymore writing before…let’s say April.  Every year I am hideously, frighteningly tempted, even though I much prefer the Novel in 90 approach first introduced to me by author Elizabeth Bear; it’s more my speed and much less destructive to my peace of mind and creativity.

In Grapemo though, you set your own PWGs–Personal Writing Goals.  They don’t even have to be word- or page-counts.  Which is good, because right now I’m dealing with some kind of scary level of creative burnout, a term I thought I made up, but which a little googling has revealed, is a real thing and other people have it, have had it, and have recovered from it.

I blame mine on school.  The deadlines.  The deadlines!  The relentless deadlines!  When I get to the end of this, I told myself, I am going to get so much done!  I’m going to clean my house, ride my bike, sell my novel (godlight), write another (seldom untitled), do a couple of just-for-me graphic design projects, visit everyone I know, go places, see things, do stuff!

Class ended two months ago and I have done none of those things.  The frightening part to me is, I don’t want to do any of those things.  I only even vacuum up Cobie’s furricane because not doing so scares me.  (What if lightning strikes the house and animates that fur?!  What I have mostly done is sit around.  I haven’t even watched the shows backed up on the DVR; I just deleted a lot of them.  The old man, aka T-Moth, did most of the planting this year (admittedly there wasn’t much) and I just supervised.

So Grapemo.  The PWGs I chose were:  1.)  To write two pages a week of anything at all.  (And trust me, this blog entry is going to count!)  2.)  To read the new Donald Maass book, Writing 21st Century Fiction, which has been lying on my dresser untouched since I ordered it last winter some time.  3.)  Try some of the burnout-busters I read during my Grapemo research phase, such as writing in new locations and clearing my desk.

Which brings me to a Friday Five:  Five things I found while clearing my desk.

1.)  The receipt for Writing 21st Century Fiction
2.)  My graphic design portfolio review master list
3.)  Roughly eleventy-thousand sugar-free jelly belly cellophanes
4.)  A half-a-dozen important tidbits jotted on index cards, and
5.)  A whole mess of safety pins, paper clips, rubber bands, and things that made me wonder if “miscellanea” is a word.  It is.  So you could say I found a new-to-me word on my desk.  I think when–if–I do some more writing type stuff, I will try to work it in.

Miscellanea.  It’s a good word, I think.

something I (might as well say) never do–sharing rough draft material

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From Facebook, the writer’s seven meme.

Jade Zivanovic tagged me, so blame her. 🙂

Go to either page 7 or 77 of your manuscript. Count down 7 lines, then copy the next 7 lines to your status. After that, name 7 more authors to come out and play

This is a rough draft manuscript. It’s so rough, it doesn’t even have a working title yet. I just call it Seldom’s Story or Seldom Untitled. So this is on page 7 now, but it could end up anywhere…or nowhere at all.

Sirens screamed in the distance, but they would come too late. They always came too late. With her heart thundering in her ears, Seldom tightened her grip on the cold steel of the tire iron and threw herself backward, using all her weight.

Open, you bitch. OPEN!

The washing machine door squalled, and then something gave: SPANG! A piece of shrapnel flew across the room and struck the wall above the dryer bank. Perfumed suds and water gushed onto the yellowed tile. Someone shrieked.

But inside the drum the sodden shape remained motionless, and time spun away. In slow motion the mother crumpled into the spreading lake in front of the gaping door and drew out the tiny body, gathering it into her lap.

identity crisis

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Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I tried to write, or actually to plot.  It has been so long, I feel completely disconnected from anything story-related, and I decided re-plotting Seldom’s story might freshen it in my mind and re-energize the project.  I packed pens, highlighters, and index cards, and parked myself on a stool at the computer bar in the college’s rotunda.

I got nutten.

Today’s mission:  not to freak out.

Confession:  I don’t even want to write.  I want to play with Illustrator’s gradient mesh tool.  I want to draw kickboard thumbnails.  I want to sit on the sofa watching Frasier on Netflix and cuddling my critters.  I want to visit my family.  I want to call some friends from whom I can feel myself growing apart because there is no time for relationships besides the ones within elbow range.  I kind of even want to dust and go on cobweb patrol around the house.

But I don’t want to write, much.  I want to want to write, but…I don’t actually want to write.

So here’s the point it’s taken me three days to find:  I don’t know what I am anymore.  Ironic, considering one of the major reasons I decided to return to school was to figure that out, only to learn I already knew but now perhaps I’ve changed into someone I don’t know.

My mind refused to produce.  The workers in the basement responded to the office memo with one of their own.  “We do pictures now, not words.”  Or something.  At any rate, no plot.

I could dig out my old plot cards, outline, and etc., but I doubt reading old material will re-energize this tale or prime the pump for new story.

Now I wonder.  Do I have to start over?  Do I have to accrue another million words of crap before I start producing decent material again?

Do I have that in me?

I’m afraid I don’t.

Oh, and that mission?  To not freak out?  An abysmal failure.

i hate macs, the pity party

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At school we use macs, where you save by hitting Command + S.

At home I use a PC, where I save by hitting Ctrl + S.

The mac’s CMD button and the PC’s Alt button are in approximately the same place.

So when I knew my hard drive was in death’s dooryard, I carefully backed everything up…except apparently I never saved the pages and pages of revisions to godlight‘s first chapter.  Except I suspect I did try to save it…by hitting Alt + S. 

Alt + S does not save anything.  😛

Then, I imagine, I closed the document and Word asked me if I wanted to save my changes and I hit NO because I hadn’t made any changes since the last time I saved, or so I thought.

Word is always doing that, and I always say NO because I imagine I’m saving some accidental keystrokes, or perhaps some touchpad shenanigans that I don’t want to save.  In Word, if you save, run a wordcount, and then close, it asks if you want to save your changes.  What changes!?

Anyhow, all those changes are gone, and have to be done over, and as I may have mentioned, I have zero time lately and I’m exhausted.

On one level I realize these are only a few pages of changes I’m talking about, but I am just so tired, and on the edge of despair all the time.  I feel like I will always be the B student in everything:  writing, school, housekeeping, dog guardianship.  I will never be a star at anything.

How can you be a writer if you can’t manage to do something so simple as save a document correctly?

Yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment.

I hate macs.

Also Word.

I’d give up, except I don’t know and can’t imagine what I’d do instead.

Blargh.

it burns

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money boothHave you ever seen, probably on television, one of those booths where the contestant gets in and then  money blows all around while the person tries to grab as much cash as possible?  That is how it feels inside my head a good bit of the time, with ideas and thoughts instead of money.

Lately, I have not been able to grab much.

There’s just too much in there.

No time to purge with morning pages.

Under the heading of IDEAS-GENERAL, there’s the new beginning for godlight, the work in submissions.  There’s the draft beginning for Seldom Untitled, the work — allegedly — in progress, although as for progress…ahem, mumblemutter.

Under IDEAS-SCHOOL we find the ideas for Digital Illustration class, where I am currently supposed to produce a series of zoo pictograms (icons).  There are ideas for Typography (which class I may be the first ever to  love).  There are the ideas for Drawing II.

Then we have RESPONSIBILITIES.  Under this heading find laundry, menu planning, shopping (what all did I forget last time and what all will I forget next time?) and prescriptions (human and pet) and cooking and cleaning.  Haha! if you could see my kitchen floor, you would be as appalled as I am ashamed; I should be in there mopping instead of in here blogging about how I should be mopping.  Also, maintaining relationships (phone calls, e-mails).  Feeding people and critters.  Cages, litter boxes.

I could really use a wife maid.

Up until about two weeks ago, I found myself thinking, in a recurrent way if not obsessively, that maybe I was done writing.  I’d told my one good story, and I had no particular burning drive to get on with telling another.  It occurred to me briefly that maybe, just as I only have seven hundred to twelve hundred good words in me per day, I might perhaps only have so much creativity in me per day.  Maybe, perhaps, I’m using it all up on school projects. 

After all, I did have a burning drive to finish that last DI project:

But no burn when it came to godlight or Seldom.  No particular guilt over lack of burn, either — which was the most disturbing aspect.  Can a burning desire just wink out like that?  If it does go, does it ever come back?

What can I do to make it come back?

Even if I figure that out, should I make it come back?  Because I really do not have time.

I thought it was me, my inner whiner.  This is all well and good for kids living at home and men with wives.  I AM the home, and I AM the wife!  And:    Nobody else spends this much time doing school work.  I’m only taking four classes!  WTF?

Last week my hard drive self-destructed and the youngest spawn fell ill, so on top of everything else, there was alla that there to deal with.  The inner whiner was on a rip, let me tell you.

Then I heard one of the young people, a second-year student say almost exactly the same thing about how much out-of-class time we spend on school work, and I felt so relieved.  It’s not just me!  There really is an exorbitant amount of homework in the graphic design program.  So. I could just quit, right?

Quit and do what?  Sit around having plenty of time to write but no desire to do it?

Well I could walk the dogs, there’s that.  And spend more time trying to not think of all the things I’m not supposed to eat, which is always a worthy occupation.

For now, my writing goal is to finish typing in the changes to godlight‘s beginning.  When that is done, I’ll submit both visions* for critique and see what they say.  While that’s pending I can go back to work on Seldom in my — ahem, spare — time.

Meanwhile I’ll keep thrashing out the school projects unless or until it becomes more pain than pleasure.  For instance, I needed an idea for a surrealist drawing yesterday, and the girls in the basement are simply not cooperating.