I accidentally planted cherry tomatoes instead of real tomatoes. I ate about four of them and got bored. The vines, neglected, have spilled over the little fence around their bed. Somewhere in the tangle, a locust has been screeching for days.
Scene: Steamy autumn night in Ohio.
Kelly: I hear bug. I KILL bug! Lemmee at the bug!
Cobie: You haz bug? *sniffs*
Kelly: GRRRRRRRRR! GET AWAY FROM MY BUG SNOW COUNTRY INFIDEL! *outs self as were-badger* SNARL! SNAP! *lunges at Cobie’s face* Yappety snarl ARK! *dives at Cobie in full body-check*
Cobie: *looks astonished* *retreats to deck* *tries to wedge 100 lb butt under plastic parson’s chair in which bossmonkey is seated* Save me, Bossmonkey!
Me: Kelly, knock it off. *pets Cobie* Good Sir.
Kelly: Gromma gromma gromma.
Me: Nuh-uh.
Kelly: Grumble gromma. *goes back to locust hunting* *catches locust half the size of her head*
Locust: *is outraged* BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Cobie: *peers out of Sanctuary toward Kelly*
Kelly: RAWR! HE’S LOOKIN AT ME!
Locust: *flies out of unexpectedly opened jaws of death*
Kelly: Huh?
Locust: *buzzes bossmonkey’s cheek*
Me: *shrieks like a girl*
Kelly: *tears ass after locust*
Cobie: *twists neck and gazes at bossmonkey* Chuff?
Me: She can’t help it, Sir. She’s a terrier. *massages chest now aching from bugfright adrenaline rush*